I was given an assignment for school the other day that required I come up with a make-believe task and write a How To essay on it. This is my end result.
Hank the Pigeon is a terrific mascot for people who come from humble backgrounds and refuse to be brought down by society (he is most commonly associated with the popular pop-punk band, The Wonder Years). Because he is a representation of such a stubborn group of people, he can often times be difficult to manage, but this How To guide will teach you how to give him the care and attention he needs.
One of the most important things to keep in mind when caring for Hank the Pigeon is that he gets very tired most nights, so you have to be sure to put him to bed early. If you disregard this important process, he is likely to become a jerk for months. It might be difficult to get him to go to sleep, because he likes to set off fireworks and make all the neighbors angry. Also, he may try to convince you to let him stay up by telling you that he’s lonely since all his pigeon friends moved into one-bedroom apartments with their girlfriends; just remember that it is in everyone’s best interest for Hank to get to sleep at a decent hour. Empty beds bum him out, so give him plenty of pillows and stuffed animals to cuddle with, and once you get him into his New Found Glory hoodie he’ll be happy to fall asleep.
Hank’s favourite food is Lucky Charms in soymilk (he’s not vegan, he just prefers the taste). However, if he has been behaving well, you can take him out to eat at Melrose Diner.
Because of his cantankerous attitude, it can be very difficult to get Hank to take care of himself. Fortunately, there are a few sure-fire tricks that will work every time. Hank doesn’t like to keep himself clean, and generally won’t shower for at least four days, but he can’t resist a bath in the fountain at Logan Circle. Due to his size, Hank the Pigeon cannot fly, but he loves to go for walks in Washington Square Park.
Hank has been known to have a continence problem, so try not to leave him alone, especially around things that you use often, such as your van or your date’s dress. No one wants to have to clean up feces left by a pigeon that’s bigger than they are.
It is not wise to let Hank around the stage when setting up for a gig. Do not let him get his hands on a guitar, or he could ruin sound check. Furthermore, don’t ever let him go to Fort Eustis – he’s been banned for life.
There are many things that can put Hank in a bad mood – in fact, he’s just not fond of anyone. In order to keep his head above water, remember that he hates bad tattoos and secondhand stories, as well as watching intoxicated women attempt to dance. Also, when he takes naps he gets panic attacks, and he can’t play video games, or he’ll end up depressed. If you think he’s starting to sink, you can cheer him up by taking him to meet new people; his goal is to make friends in every state.
One last note: look out for Nutriphase. This birdseed is like a drug to Hank, and he has a problem. If you catch him with it, you should instruct him to take a look at himself, and remind him of his problem. I also advise you to tell him to clean himself up.
Caring for Hank the Pigeon may seem difficult at times, but he is a loyal friend and an inspiration to many. Those who have the same patience and resilience as Hank will have a lot of fun hanging out with him. Now that you’ve learned all of his ins and outs, go have a great time with that loveable, oversized bird!
Just wanted everyone to know that I got a 95 on this essay!